Welcome To The Castle

A fun place to be! Where there are many, some big some small but all with distinct personalities!

****WELCOME TO DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER HELL*****

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I am so sad I could drown in my tears
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:41 PM 2 comments

Pumpkinhead and pumpkinhead art

Monday, January 30, 2006

pumpkinhead and I did this when we were Instant messaging I miss her so very much
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:07 PM 0 comments

thoughts from EVE

Friday, January 27, 2006

you're stupid
you are an idiot
you are fat and ugly
you are a bad mother
you are doing this all wrong
you're a fucking whore
you're a bitch
you're useless
you're a waste of space
what is wrong with you
why cant you do that right
you're not worth it
people hate you secretly
you don't deserve happiness
you deserve to feel like shit
you're a peice of shit
you have no friends
EVE
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:43 PM 2 comments

the Mandala

The word "mandala" is from the classical Indian language of Sanskrit. Loosely translated to mean "circle," a mandala is far more than a simple shape. It represents wholeness, and can be seen as a model for the organizational structure of life itself--a cosmic diagram that reminds us of our relation to the infinite, the world that extends both beyond and within our bodies and minds.
Describing both material and non-material realities, the mandala appears in all aspects of life: the celestial circles we call earth, sun, and moon, as well as conceptual circles of friends, family, and community.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:07 PM 0 comments

sadness a way we feel all the time...can anyone hear does anyone see!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:07 PM 0 comments

court day

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Ok today was the day from hell.....Had to go to civil court about a bill I walked in then a cop comes in I was freaked out I was like ok we r going to jail...Some one kill me now...heheheeh he was there for another person..Thank the Lord...Then I had to go in this windowless room with this really tall man . Not only that I had my baby with me. Lets say freak out on the inside for a few moment we were back in the small room under the house at J**'s Damn I was so scared...But we managed to pull it off...

I wanted to scream I am insane send me away when things got fuzzy for those few minutes...But I did not then On the way home I had flashes of EVE freaking out and being lead out in hand cuffs...hmmm think that's part of a memory too. Eve is banging inside she is so mad. She told me my art t said she was terminating therapy with us on Friday..Which since she has not called I would not be surprised..
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 5:51 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

the way things should have been..Lili and Emmy
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:39 PM 0 comments

sleepy

sleepy time I did not sleep at all Mr gatekeeper was sick so me and the babe slept on the couch thats as comfy as sleeping on the floor...she is tired and cranky too....I hope he is feeling ok now...well time to wake up pumpkinhead..yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:25 AM 1 comments

Life sux

Monday, January 23, 2006

what a fuckin terrible two weeks..I am having a fucked up week and It continues to get worse. Insurance companies suck...however we say pumpkinhead and that was awesome I missed her so much....but I might lose her again and I don't want to... i wanna go with her but I can't I wanna hold hher in my arms where it feels safe for the moment....I wan to go away with here so we can talk all night and sleep and get up and take a walk and not worry about the world...Pumpkinhead you are part of my life.....FOREVER......... HAILY
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:43 PM 1 comments

An abused childs prayer

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep If I Die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take..AMEN......Kady
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:19 AM 0 comments

sadness

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I am so sad today...I can not stop crying..I am not sure if it is medication related or not......I know I just feel like crap all day...I look lIke crap I am crap. I was sick over the weekend and feeling like I was not allowed to be sick. Who thinks these crazy things? Me of course...I am certifiably crazy I think. My house iS a mess My life is a mess My world feels like is is crumbling .

The things that used to keep me grounded are not working. My children are so important to me but they say dont like me and that I am mean..I guess when u try to set limits thats what happens. I feel like a failure tho. A failure at life. Sadness fills the room and my head...I wish I could just go to bed....
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:30 PM 1 comments

A Poem

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Teddy, I've been bad again,

My Mommy told me so;

I'm not quite sure what I did wrong,

But I thought that you might know.

When I woke up this morning,

I knew that she was mad;

Cause she was crying awful hard,

And yelling at my dad.

I tried my best to be real good,

And do just what she said;

I cleaned my room all by myself,

I even made my bed.

But I spilled milk on my good shirt,

When she yelled at me to hurry;

And I guess she didn't hear me,

When I told her I was sorry.

Cause she hit me awful hard, you see,

And called me funny names;

And told me I was really bad,

And I should be ashamed!

When I said, "I love you, Mommy,"

I guess she didn't understand;

Cause she yelled at me to shut my mouth.

Or I'd get smacked again.

So I came up here to talk to you,

Please tell me what to do;

Cause I really love my Mommy,

And I know she loves me, too.

And I don't think my Mommy means,

To hit me quite so hard;

I guess sometimes, grown ups forget

.How really big they are!

So Teddy, I wish you were real,

And you weren't just a bear;

Then you could help me find a way

.To tell Mommies every where.

To please try hard to understand.

How sad it makes us feel;

Cause the outside pain soon goes a way,

But the inside never heals!

And if we could make them listen,

Maybe then they'd understand;

So other children just like me,

Wouldn't have to hurt again.

But for now, I guess I'll hold you tight,

And pretend the pain's not there;

I know you'd never hurt me,

So Goodnight, Teddy Bear!

Author unknown

scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:43 PM 0 comments

Ranting

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Well I called my therapists yesterday and told them I did not have DID. That I made it all up. Guess what they don't believe me. Oh well it was a good try. I am so tired of dealing with this that I figured if I made it up I could just not deal. I don't want to have these flashbacks. I have em all the time. Then to top it off I have nightmares at night. do not sleep well at night. My friends that understanD are away. I miss them so bad.
Pumpkinhead has been gone for a while and I miss her like crazy. I can't wait until she comes home. She should be back soon. J is in Florida..I have no idea when she will be home I hope soon because I miss her too. I am very lonely these days. No-one understands me cept' the above mentioned girls. It sux. Unless u have DID its very hard to understand it. I think its hard for me to understand too. That brings me back to telling my t's iIdont have DID...When in reality it is so loud in my head that I can't seem to concentrate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:52 PM 2 comments

welcome to 2006

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Okay well we made it thru th e beging of the year......hopefully we will make it thru this year..2006.... Holidays were a little crazy..Running from place to place always doing what was needed to get things done... Hmmm busyness keeps the mind from going completely pscho.. Dont fell like typing anymore but wanted to just rant for a few minutes since this is my blog!!!!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:59 PM 1 comments