on the move
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Life is a little chaotic today...I need to pack and I am procrastinating. Off for another stay at the old SP. I hope this time it goes better. i have DR. L so that should be good. i am nervous because of insurance reasons and stuff. But I will miss my kiddos. Can't forget to take a pic with me... I already miss them.. Thank God E is good with them and I know they will all be okay. EAster I will miss ANd I am sad for that but God is in total control, he knows what we need.. He will watch over my angelbabies........
peace out Charlotte
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:06 AM
ramblings by Char
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
still feeling shitty but at least I got my meds so I am not having physical symptoms ATM......Kids are having a hard time with the potential of me leaving...I am going to miss em a lot. I love them more than anything...but i need to do what I need to do...I am a little afraid to go but thats only natural. But maybe EVE will be a little bit better.....char
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:59 AM
PAIN
Sunday, March 25, 2007
THREE DAYS GRACE LYRICS
Pain
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling down
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
Pain, without love
Paint, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:43 PM
la la la la la la
Saturday, March 24, 2007
ok so we went to work today it was fun...Kids kids and more kids....but now i feel like i need to sleep I just took tylenol #3 it will probably make me tired. Today was the day..i missed the Funeral. i am so glad we did not go Anna is having a hard time. I m sorry Anna u are suffering so. He died and he had to die. We could not go because he is not healthy for us. We all love u Anna and do not blame you for anything. Eve is very close she is probably the one who is Angriest right now. She has a terrrble mouth. She hates everyone and probably would swing at someone. So Eve stays inside. Eve is okay right now she has a punching bag inside.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:49 PM
HELLO
Friday, March 23, 2007
I HATE HER................SHE IS A BITCH..............she all pretends she is nice when i can see right thru her. Lets be nice to the girl who is fucked up. I feel sorry for her so we r going to keep her on as a patient because if we don't she may FREAK OUT......well miss therapy lady. I am stronger than u think. I do not need your pitty...SO SCREW YOU
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:18 PM
PISSY PEOPLE
THERAPY SUX...........i can't believe i go ..M is a pain in my arse. I wanted to leave so bad when I got there. She never takes us serious. She says she called and I know we did not get any calls from her. She was really pissy. The anger I feel right now is bordering on RAGE. Must mean darkside is near. Rage especially is a darkside feeling. I do not want to feel anymore so I numb anyway I can......The fucked up Raven
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:04 PM
shattered
scared...anxiety...wanna go back to bed...but have t get kids to school...soon it will all be better. Life is so short..mine is gonna be shorter than others.....NO thats not true we r gonna live to tell the story of our lives. How we shattered like a mirror at such a young age...N said prognosis was guarded WTF does that mean...ok so I will never get better? damn I am trying so hard, why bother...die
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:11 AM
Happy Birthday
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Happy birthday baby Boy..today is your day. You turned seven today and I love you and care for you so much. My sweet little baby boy.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:50 PM
Spring Equinox
An equinox in astronomy is the event when the Sun can be observed to be directly above the Earth's equator, occurring around March 20 and September 23 each year. More technically, the equinox happens when the Sun is at one of two opposite points on the celestial sphere where the celestial equator and ecliptic intersect. In a wider sense, the equinoxes are the two days each year when the center of the Sun spends an equal amount of time above and below the horizon at every location on Earth. The word equinox derives from the Latin words aequus (equal) and nox (night).
Why is safety such an issue on these days? My whole body hurts...I am anxious...I do not want to be...But I continue to exist. I want to be...alive...Well able to handle the "difficult" days. When I miss the knowledge of what happened.. but am to afraid to find it. Fear is a funny thing it keeps me from being alive...It keeps me dead inside
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:37 PM
ramblings by Leah
Thursday, March 15, 2007
well things never change...when I was working the first thing out of another employee's mouth about the incident on Saturday...was well she probably wanted attention...Maybe I am biased....She DID WANT ATTENTION AND CLEARLY NEEDED HELP. I am overly triggered by this. SO I am going to leave it here on this page till I can process it. Life on the inside is chaotic to say the least. spinning spinng whirling whirling into the ground the only way to stop it is to die.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:04 AM
from the mouths of babes.....sadness
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Well work has been triggering for me recently.......overwhelmingly triggering...had a little girl say somethings that are very disturbing and NOBODY DID ANYTHING TO HELP HER they just looked dumbfounded at each other. I feel bad because I am usually in that rooom, and was not that day.......sadness around it how do you get over it I just hope she comes back in.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:41 PM
blending
Monday, March 12, 2007
hi I have blended with three other parts....it feels wierd right now I hate to feel.......sadness is overwhelming. why am I so sad? bad things happen all the time.....but bad things happen to me. I miss the conversations..I miss their presents...I miss them..even tho they are part of me.....I feel like sliting my wrists...but I won't!!!!!!!!! PAIGE
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:47 PM
betrayal...forgiveness
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Ballad of the Judas Tree, and it’s by D. Ruth Etchells.
In Hell there grew a Judas Tree
Where Judas hanged and died
Because he could nor bear to see
His master crucified
Our Lord descended into Hell
And found his Judas there
For ever hanging on the tree
Grown from his own despair
So Jesus cut his Judas down
And took him in his arms
“It was for this I came” he said
“And not to do you harm
My Father gave me twelve good men
And all of them I kept
Though one betrayed and one denied
Some fled and others slept
In three days time I must return
To make the others glad
But first I had to come to Hell
And share the death you had
My tree will grow in place of yours
Its roots lie here as well
There is no final victory
Without this soul from Hell”
So when we all condemn him
As of every traitor worst
Remember that of all his men
Our Lord forgave him first
—D. Ruth Etchells
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:42 PM
rambling by charlotte
Friday, March 09, 2007
depression is a very hard thing to live with....I don't feel like doing anything. It was very hard to get out of bed this morning. But I have kids and I have to get them ready for school. I love them so very much. I am afraid I am not doing a good job. I am always tired. they are always fed, dressed and taken care of. I just do not have the energy to play with them like I used to. How awful I am. they deserve better. My mom was never around she was always busy . Never had time for us. Thus I took care of all the kids. And I am still taking care of the kids. I am tired I am drained I am done!!!!!!!!!! But I still go on...no matter how bad I feel no matter how bad the flashbacks are, no matter how much the pain is. I am hurting I need help.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 10:58 AM
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
HI my name is Sally and I am 6 I am realy sad I not have a mom. I always pray that somone wil be my mom but no one was. I m sad today cuzz jen is gon. I luv jen she is a gud mommy
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:48 PM
Hurting
All alone.....Jen has retreated not wanting to feel not wanting to know anymore. Tears stream down her face as she finds comfort inside in a corner where she can be a lone. The team is getting tired we have stopped sever attempts, sever self destructive behaviors and have tried taking care of inside and outside kids. Something is going to have to give. It is getting harder and harder to look NORMAL. When I feel like dying on the inside all the time. Recent events and therapy issues have made it almost impossible to function. Yet we do.???? I guess that is how it was as a kid.
I feel bad for Jen she is doing a great job but is getting wammied by a whole bunch of things at once. Thank heavens for N M and DR. R.......For they have helped us to get thru this really hard time...........Hannah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:31 PM
Betrayal...Trauma?
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The German writer, Helmut Thielicke, tells the story of a man who living amid the darkness of Hitler’s Third Reich took his stand against the Nazi party. As a result of his activities he was arrested and sent to prison where he endured torture and beatings and spent long spells in solitary confinement as his captors sought to extract a confession. After several months he was released without charge. Tired, physically weak, undernourished, he was nonetheless an unbroken spirit, still ardent in his opposition to Hitler and the Nazi Party. But two weeks after his release, he was found hanged, having committed suicide in his attic. Those who followed his story with interest wondered what was it was that finally destroyed him. What was it that finally sapped his strength and courage? Those who knew the man were well aware of the reason. Following his release from prison, he made the awful discovery that it was his only son who had informed against him. His only child had delivered him into the hands of the Nazi’s. The treachery of one whom he loved had finally accomplished what institutional brutality had failed to do.
I think its fair to say that the greatest pain is not inflicted by people who hate or revile us. As that man discovered, the greatest pain is inflicted by the people we love, by the people we trust. One person puts it like this: Betrayal entails a pain that surpasses the physical kind, no matter how intense. The inner sanctum of the heart is breached and there is no ready defence. I was recently reading an article by a psychiatrist on what he described as "betrayal trauma." Betrayal trauma occurs when the people we love or trust or depend on violate us in some way. Perhaps the best example of betrayal trauma is the sexual abuse of children. It is truly awful how these violations of trust resonate through a person’s life, resulting in so much damage
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:15 PM
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:14 PM
