Everytime...Britney SpearsFriday, July 30, 2004
How am I todayThursday, July 29, 2004how am I today? luckily not dead.......who would take care of my baby girl who needs so much care right now? putting this Ng tube in her is like torture. I hate doing it...I feel like some how I am torturing her...however i know that is not true..But when u see her screaming and trying to claw her way away from me franticly its hard to see it any other way. She doesn't like me anymore...she only wants her father and it breaks my heart....I dont want to hurt her and yet I have to so she can eat? I wish she would just eat...I guess that is how my hubby feels about me...I wish she would just eat? hmmmmmmmmm kinda paradoxical......I have to write down everything she eats..a food diary damn where have I done that before....I often wonder if there an eating disorder gene? some how a switch gets turned when we r stressed or our bodies r sick? I wonder? Not that she has an eating disorder at 15 months but she has something that she does not wanna eat and they had to re start her body.......
Hold On By Good CharlotteTuesday, July 27, 2004
Broken By Seether
morning rantsdo u get up in the morning and feel refreshed? I never do I always feel more tired after i wake up. my little ms did not sleep well last night she fussed all night...So I slept next to her to make sure she was going to be ok......so I did not get much sleep..between her and the damn nitemares i don't think I'll ever get any sleep.. I am going to make a dream catcher one of these days. Yeah in my spare time..hehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehe.........I dont have time to breath let alone make a dream catcher. Oh to have some time to myself.....that did not consist of going to therapy, going grocery shopping or having to be with any other family members. I think if I had one wish right now it would be to just have a few hours by myself.
A long dayMonday, July 26, 2004Ok well today I have had one break down after another. What a day five kids and a lot of work to do . Just having a baby on a feeding tube makes twice as much work...I have to make appointments. I talk with doctors, nurses, dieticians, and make sure I am making the formula right. I have to constinently feed her bottles she does not want to drink (it smells like rotten eggs would you want to drink it?) Trying to get 15 oz into her by mouth is a challenge. Not to mention 4 other children who need my attention...Who are constintly calling "mommy" by the way I am changing my name from Mommy to Jen..Call me Jen please or any other name u feel like cuz' Mommy is getting on my nerves right now...Mommy can I have this---mommy can you get me a drink----mommy can I go outside--mommy I need help---mommy I m hungry---mommy I want a snack---mommy i m bored---mommy are we there yet---mommy he hit me --mommy he called me stupid---mommy she told me to shut up- mommy my foot hurts--mommy my stomach hurts--mommy mommy mommy-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..CALL ME JEN.................OK ENOUGH COMPLAINING..MOMMY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
life or death
AmbigramSaturday, July 24, 2004
crazinessok..I am trying to post but the phone is rings the kids are crying and I need to make dinner...things are crazy here like always...be back soon.
Baby is homeFriday, July 23, 2004Thank God baby is home from the hospital with just a milk protein allergy. She gained some weightand is looking good . She did however have to come home with a feeding tube which I have to put in when she pulls it out. And dear little Chloe pulled it out today so tonight I will be putting it back in traumatizing my husband. I think he is already traumautized. He was freakedf out when I had to just hook her up.
baby sickSunday, July 18, 2004Sorry no knew post baby is in children's Hospital has been here since Thursday and this is the first time I have had to write. I am going to try to fix my blogg I am takiing out the chatterbox for now and music codes till I can fix it...
sex sex and more sex.....Thursday, July 15, 2004ok well lets just a marathon for the last few days or so it has felt like it ...I am really tired....Came outta the blue or should I say green..Lmao........ RAVEN Enough happiness...Tuesday, July 13, 2004The Best come backs and slams
Hubby wants HAPPY THOUGHTS............
not feeling wellSaturday, July 10, 2004Not feeling very good..sorry I have not posted but my days are spent just trying to function day to day. My baby is also sick and very very cranky. Inside it is so loud too we need to come up with a plan to keep evertyone safe... safety is a big problem...We are all feeling very unsafe right now...tired unsafe.....worried a whole range of emotions..we don't do good with emotions and stress so we end up getting sick.... I guess it is our fault just like everything is our fault..we asked for all the abuse we asked to be dissociative we asked to be so screwed up...It is much easier to think that to look at the reality to look at the truth...The truth is way to painful so we live in this fantasy world were things are our fault then maybve we had somecontrol...somewhere we can say we had control...that we were not totally and completely powerless.....we fell powerless now cuz we know not what happened we only know bits and pieces and that is hard.....however seeing N twice these last few weeks has been very helpful...she is helping me to understnad a lot of things an altho it is hard it is also comforting to know someone undertsnads and does not judge me..She is caring and truthful (well some of us think so)But most of us respect us for doing the work she does...to be able to do this and not end up crazy is amazing.............
Alot of ShitFriday, July 02, 2004ok well what to talk abot have not posted in days been busy......baby is sick again has diahrea have to take her to a GI doc can't get an appointment till August 26......omg that is so far away..she has lost weight but is continuing to keep herself hyrdated..Thank God for that that is keeping us outta the Er. Waiting to find out if the stool sample is back yet. Waiting I hate waiting......it is not fun I am not a patient person.....Therapy was good this week saw N twice M is gone away (never to return) actually she will be back in 9 days now. N has been very helpful. I m very blessed to have 2 wonderful helpful t's. Even tho they say things we hate............like making me look at y i m so tired...this has been an issue today. I am unusually sleepy..hmmmmmmmmmmmm workin on it.......meds have not changed..nothing changed maybe internally sumthing shifted????????oh well bvye for now |
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