How am I todayThursday, July 29, 2004how am I today? luckily not dead.......who would take care of my baby girl who needs so much care right now? putting this Ng tube in her is like torture. I hate doing it...I feel like some how I am torturing her...however i know that is not true..But when u see her screaming and trying to claw her way away from me franticly its hard to see it any other way. She doesn't like me anymore...she only wants her father and it breaks my heart....I dont want to hurt her and yet I have to so she can eat? I wish she would just eat...I guess that is how my hubby feels about me...I wish she would just eat? hmmmmmmmmm kinda paradoxical......I have to write down everything she eats..a food diary damn where have I done that before....I often wonder if there an eating disorder gene? some how a switch gets turned when we r stressed or our bodies r sick? I wonder? Not that she has an eating disorder at 15 months but she has something that she does not wanna eat and they had to re start her body.......
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1 Comments:
At 8:42 AM,
Rocktaxi said…
Hmmmm... ever hear the term "Personal Breakthrough"???? Or how about "walking in my shoes?"... Now maybe you know why I'm having such a hard time with all this. I see two people who are dying from the inside out and why it's so hard for me to deal with it and deal with the both of you when there is nothing I can do. You don't eat and that's why I see you hurting yourself. The baby doesn't eat and thats how I see her hurting herself. You sticking that tube in her may hurt her for 10 seconds but that's it. Then she's fine and happy and lives her life like she is supposed to. If she was still hurting, she wouldn't leave it in and she wouldn't be drinking her bottle like she is. She rips it out because she get's the same attitude her mother has and she doesnt' want to put up with things anymore. It's her coping mechanism. She knows she can get away with being "free" till nighttime if she pulls it out.
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