todays therapy session was weird. I feel very very uneasy from the emotions coming back. I want to die inside. die to get away from feeling. feeling is the worst. i can't feel i don't want to feel. hello life would be better without feeling anything. I learned a person i am close to knew about the abuse. how terrible,sad and how angry i am...................Leah/jen
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:25 PM0 comments
The Truth
Thursday, December 27, 2007
no one cares no one cares no one cares mo one cares no one cares........cept my husband and my friend Jess.........................no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares no one cares
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:10 PM1 comments
The Day after christmas. I am tired and overwhelmed still. ahhh take a breath and go to bed. i wish i could do that. Sleep my life away. avoidance is what one would call it . I call it staying safe until tomarow. Cause i do not feel very safe in both sense of the word. safe from the world and safe from myselves.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:16 PM0 comments
Althought I am so blessed to have children who I love and adore. I am still very sad about what I Went through about what I thought I had. I love my kids and want them to have a mother who can function. My best friend Jess means a lot to me . My husband has been a rock and the only rreason am still around. E...I love you. Merry Christmas to all I know. Mir I love ya too thanks for the support I am sorry I have not kept in touch I am havin a hard time.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:40 PM0 comments
Dissociating and I know why...Help me!!!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Satanic Holidays
It's good to know when a holiday is coming up because you will be prepared for more calls. Just asking a caller if they are aware of the holiday can be very helpful; even survivors with many years of healing often "dissociate" (e.g. forget) holidays.
The ceremonies usually take place the eve of the holiday and sometimes last for three days or a week. When holidays cluster together, as they do in the spring and late December, survivor reactions are especially strong.
Different cults observe different holidays or stress one more than another, depending on their traditions. Here is a list of the most common ones.
Ancient pagan holidays based on the sun. (These are also celebrated by modern pagans in loving and non-abusive ways.) There is one holiday every 6 1/2 weeks.
February 2. Candlemas. (lives on as Ground-hog day!)
March 21 or 22. Spring Equinox
May 1. Beltane. (lives on as May Day)
June 21 or 22. Summer Solstice
August 2. Lammas
September 21 or 22. Fall Equinox
October 31. Samhain (lives on as Halloween)
December 21 or 22. Winter Solstice
The full moon is often observed, and sometimes the new moon as well.
Winter solstice.........how we wrestle with this every year to die or not to die that is the question? I have such strong urges that I think It would be better for all to die.
Winter solstice occurs sometime between December 20 and 23 each year in the Northern hemisphere, and between June 20 and 23 in the Southern Hemisphere, within either the shortest day or the longest night of the year. Though the Winter Solstice lasts an instant, the term is also used to refer to the full day and night (24hrs) within which the event occurs. A more accurate usage might be the "day of the winter solstice" or the "night of/before the winter solstice". Winter Solstice is a controversial subject, since it is sometimes said to astronomically mark the beginning or middle of a hemisphere's Winter and so there is much argument about when it starts. Winter is a subjective term, so there is no scientifically established beginning or middle of winter but Winter Solstice is clearly defined.
The word solstice derives from Latinsol (Sun) and sistere (stand still), Winter Solstice meaning Sun stand still in winter.
The Winter Solstice can occur on the shortest day or longest night of the year but this is not the same as darkest morning or darkest evening which occur on different days.
Saint Nicholas was renowned for his great kindness and his generous aid to those in distress. Among the kind and miraculous acts attributed to him are saving three young girls from prostitution by secretly providing them with dowries, raising three murdered boys from the dead, and saving sailors caught in stormy seas. For these reasons, he is considered the patron saint of children, unmarried girls, and sailors, among others.
Traditional celebrations of Saint Nicholas Day in Northern Europe included gifts left in children's shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats - candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal. Sometimes coins were left in the shoes, reminiscent of the the life-saving doweries the saint provided. Today - especially in families of German extraction - children still put a shoe outside their bedroom doors on the eve of Saint Nicholas Day, and expect to find candy and coins or small gifts in their shoe on December 6th.
weekend is over...thank heavens......life in general seems to be going down the drain. wedding was good S looked great. I felt like a cow..a big fat cow.That at least would fit in with the theme. I am so tired. 900 mg of neurontin is way too much. I need to lie down. 1 kiddo is home from school today sick?????? actually his stomach hurts. SO here i am stuck in the house all day. my heart is heavy...Paige is back. she was hiding or just away for awhile. but she has come back and is still full of sadness. I feel really bad for her. Becca zoe and Jack are still havin a hard time. Kaylee has awaken but we are trying to get her back to sleep.
E has been working so much I am so tired from being with the kids all the time. I never could get a divorce. I need him to bad. His help with the kiddos is so important. I went to bed early last night. everyone was in bed by 9pm. Tonight i see dr. R late so no early to bed. And I work the next morning. well off to take the little one to school. Hopefully all will be well......TODAY
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:19 AM0 comments
today is Sunday.....my h usually does not work but today he is working. I am havin lots of flashbacks....and i had a nightmare last night. I feel lonely. Think i am gonna call Jess. I feel like I have not talked to her forever. My kiddos are going crazy right now. My back hurts i am falling apart. I feel so fat today...Y can't i except myself? Cuz I am full of shame doubt anger and the one that kills me sadness....
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:08 PM0 comments
A fun place to be! Where there are many, some big some small but all with distinct personalities!
****WELCOME TO DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER HELL*****
