The Blahs...................
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
The day after...our friend warrier refers to it as a T hangover. Emotionally we are freaking out Inside. We dont think it can get much worse and it does. N was really nice and always is.. She does however tell us thinngs we don't want to hear. Functioning has become very hard. It is taking a few of us to do daily thngs and a lot of things are not getting done. I do not feel liek doing anything and we have so much to do...I feel blah blah........and wanna go back to bed!!!!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 4:05 PM
Tuesday Morning by Penny
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Tuesday And we still are alive..However Charlotte is having a really hard time so we gave her the day off. Between Dana, Leah, and I ..we should be able to handle these kids. Yeah famous last words. RIGHT? We see N tonight and we r not to happy bout that. We think therapsy always opens crap up. We are doing pretty well by ourselves. Cept maybe Charlotte who can't control herself. My back IS still killing me but I am not telling anyone cuz I dont want to go back to the ER. Thats all we need!!!!! So we will go on like we r okay . Even tho I feel like i am gonna puke. Shit I know this infection aint away yet. I feel like crap. But I hate going to the doctors...If i call they will just send me to the hospital again. So I will just pretend...Penny
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:33 PM
Doomed
Monday, March 28, 2005
DOOMED...... thats the way I still feel. The weekend is over and we are all alive but we still feel doomed. It was one hell of a weekend . I am not even sure the things we did. I remeber sleeping a lot and doing nothing. It was just another weekend. We did nothing with family. Except dinner for three hours. But it was tolerable. Hmmmm...doomed I still feel. I hope this feeling leaves soon. Charlotte
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 10:01 AM
Saturday, March 26, 2005
******Voyeuristic practices may take a number of forms but its characteristic feature is that the voyeur does not directly interact with the object of their voyeurism (often unaware that they are being observed), instead observing the act from a distance, peeping through an opening.
Sorry MRS. Therapist you are mistaken this blog is not used for this purpose it is just a way for us to be able to put our feelings and shit out there. It has nothing to do with being voyeristic. It is a way to just get things out there and maybe get a comment or 2 about what we say..that is annonymous. So there!!!!!!!! Leah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:25 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2005
this is my dragn blackie. hes relly stron. He will protct the castl. Jack 
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:13 PM
Silence what needs to be...but silent I dont want. I am sad and lonely. My heart aches for what never was .A lovingness not know...in agony and pain i will forever be!!!!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:37 AM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I adopted a dragon toda and hes blackie..he is a black dragon and he is a protctr
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:46 AM
Did you see? Did you know? How much of my childhood do you rember? You should of held my hand...instead you let go!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:27 AM
swirling
Thursday, March 17, 2005
swirling whirling thoughts
amist the chaos
my head spins faster everyday
reality becomes fantasy
memories get swirled in
are they real?
Did it happen?
Does God exist?
For God so loved.....
Does he love me?
thoughts spinning faster..
Can anyone love A demon?
They live inside..
I become them...
Pain death destruction
becomes my life...
swirling whirling thoughts
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:13 AM
A bunch of nonsense
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Well therapy cant get much harder ...... I think I have experienced it all then I find out we now have an internal computer..WTF is that..I mean I know we are starange but robots and computers..next thing they will say is u have a microwave and a toaster oven inside....LOL I feel very crazy right at this moment..Wondering why that is...probably the time of year.......so they say...sping is on its way in.....Damn I hate Spring..It geets warmer and the sun is up longer...In the dark I smell all the flowers blooming..TRIGGER...then poof another is a round...Such is the story of my life............................
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 10:41 AM
Ramblings by Penny
Thursday, March 10, 2005
living the life.....rapidly spinning on a merry-go-round..I see many faces and here many voices...some are close others are far some are loud some are silent...The emotions change from minute to minute swirling in my head. I am never sure who/what I may feel.
The life i live as a suburban housewife is like a dream..It never feels real..These are not my children..i m babysitting..Ok they r my children. I m not old enough to have kids...These thoughts permiate my being...they resinate deep in my soul only to be played out in my internal world.
A world that is lawless. That has be abandonded by many ..swept under the carpet..labeled as a crazy . Who could or would believe that insidde there is a whole world of beings...a whole world of people who seeminly run my life...They participate in my daily life..often hampering the little thread of reality I hold...What is real and what is not?
The basement dwellers do they exist or are they just an overactive fantasy life. Is it an escape from the realities of a life not worth living. I ask myself that everyday I constantly am questioning my existence the realness of my life. the only thing that keeps one anchored in the present is the reality that I have 5 children to take care of. These become the reason I live..the reason i breath the reason I awake in the morning after a night of only 2 hours of sleep...
I am often asked how things are and my rerply is I don't know...Because the internal reality NEVEr matches what is seen externally... On the outside a compatent mother of 5 is usually viewd. On the inside a couple of scared depressed, bulimic teenages are present. Trying to keep the world of a 31 year old from colliding with the world of darkness despair torture abuse. Okay thast enough for now more on this to come....but for now My head is spinning my body aches and i am allowing information to leak out...Just like an open wound our heart is bleeding and needs time to repair itself...penny
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 4:34 PM
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Today is a really bad day..I m overwhelemed and i dont want to deal...Dealing with the kids has been getting harder but it always gets done!! So much is going on on the outside. Sister just called she is worried about her baby...his umbilical cord has not fallen off yet...Dr says it could be his immune system. The grandfather does not have much longer to live. The baby has a sensory problem which overwhelms us lots.....ok enough for now.....Charlotte
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:56 AM
