living the life.....rapidly spinning on a merry-go-round..I see many faces and here many voices...some are close others are far some are loud some are silent...The emotions change from minute to minute swirling in my head. I am never sure who/what I may feel.
The life i live as a suburban housewife is like a dream..It never feels real..These are not my children..i m babysitting..Ok they r my children. I m not old enough to have kids...These thoughts permiate my being...they resinate deep in my soul only to be played out in my internal world.
A world that is lawless. That has be abandonded by many ..swept under the carpet..labeled as a crazy . Who could or would believe that insidde there is a whole world of beings...a whole world of people who seeminly run my life...They participate in my daily life..often hampering the little thread of reality I hold...What is real and what is not?
The basement dwellers do they exist or are they just an overactive fantasy life. Is it an escape from the realities of a life not worth living. I ask myself that everyday I constantly am questioning my existence the realness of my life. the only thing that keeps one anchored in the present is the reality that I have 5 children to take care of. These become the reason I live..the reason i breath the reason I awake in the morning after a night of only 2 hours of sleep...
I am often asked how things are and my rerply is I don't know...Because the internal reality NEVEr matches what is seen externally... On the outside a compatent mother of 5 is usually viewd. On the inside a couple of scared depressed, bulimic teenages are present. Trying to keep the world of a 31 year old from colliding with the world of darkness despair torture abuse. Okay thast enough for now more on this to come....but for now My head is spinning my body aches and i am allowing information to leak out...Just like an open wound our heart is bleeding and needs time to repair itself...penny
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