not again...Hailey n Raven
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I almost made a mistake today. First don't go and read back entries they can make you cry.....I was going to copy and paste a comment from her on her blog then I decieded not to. Good decision..
Let it go..Too many other worries with out her in your thought. Are u stupid do u think she even thinks about you? Noway she let you go months ago. SHe does not give a damn about you and probably really never did. So Hailey we need to try to get over this someway. SHe doesn't Care She does not like you the whole relationship was a farse. the only thing she took from the relationship was your shrink. He was ur shrink first remember that when you want to give in and not go because she goes. You have a wonderful family. It was sad however when Kayla asked if she could invite her to her birthday party. And we had to say no I am sorry Hailey you hurt so very much. Raven
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 10:05 AM
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
BLAH, BLAH BLAH... sick of talking about crap. I hate therapy...makes me feel like crap too....everyone inside is in chaos. It gets that way when we can't seem to find away to calm down the little ones who have suffered so. and the old coping mechanisms are not alllowed. Thats really why we hate therapy because Sh-ing is not allowed anymore and that gives the most relief. They want us to use healthier coping mechanisms but if you have never used them and they don't feel as good...well fuck them.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................................................
just want to scream Scream until someone understands how it feels, how it felt, how I live one foot in the past one foot in the present. Life always in chaoes. Whirling around me like a huge funnel cloud. Picking me up in its path ready to drop me at anytime. Never knowing when I'll end up laying face down on the ground..hmmmmmm...seems to be how life always was. Never predictable always chaotic and truely painful......for now I leave you with this Leah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:00 PM
cascade of memories
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
N has called everyday even twice a day to get us over this holiday hell. It has been the worst this time because there has been more memories given to more of us. She keeps trying to explain that there are so many of us because thats the only way we survived. And that the way we are feeling now gives us a glance at what we must have felt at ten....a lot of confusion...sadness..anger..hurt...pain...that we deserved what happened...Then I think what 10 year old deserves to be hurt that way. NONE...
Becca hun you do not deserve it you did nothing wrong, in fact you saved my life...and for that I am truely grateful. I am sorry you hurt so much I see now what you went through. The pain and confusion. The wanting to run away, to get in trouble so someone would notice...but no-one did(which was the way it had to be)or our lives would have been in jeopardy. I was very angry for getting these cascades of memories but I am starting to understand that if they are not given this way I do not listen to you all. The reason they come like this is because it is the only way I can experience them and understand what you went through. So Becca I thank you again
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:46 AM
DAY
Monday, November 27, 2006
Getting kids ready for school oh how I am ready to get back on this regular schedule.
Inside is having a really hard time and well we figured out why. But to disclose the details on the net would be torturous for all who read. So I go on feeling like hell realizng life never really was like I thought it was. How could that be?...It's like I lived in an alternive universe. I guess my head would count as an alternive reality. Living in ones head is safe for a while till the day you step out and then the danger begins. The reality is not the truth and the truth is horrid and the horridness is a nightmare....one you start living the day you step out. It somedays is so horrible you think you can't take one more breath. But somehow deep down you find that breath and another and another to get thru the day. Today feels like that day. I take my breath and move along........................
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:52 AM
Depression
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Depression set in..why? I feel terrible sickness...I want to sleep yet I sit here hoping wanting to talk to her. But knowing that she will never again talk to me. Hailey
Oh Hailey I understand you feeling bad but that is part of life. I understand you hurt but together as a system we will get over this. It's just part of a roller coaster we are on. We all love you and want you to be okay. Charlotte does not feel good either . Holidays are hard for us all. The closer it gets to the holidays. The worst it gets.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:53 PM
Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:40 PM
A lot of therapy
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
18 hours of therapy...I am so tired had so many memories....with Dr. R N and M. A lot of switching. Shifting a lot of parts. So I have a headache. Becca was out crying talking about Thanksgiving I do not know how I am going to get through it.. Becca is in a safe place. But now she is not happy.....I feel bad the impulse to self harm is huge.. But we have been using coping skills . I feel like I want to cry but the tears will never stop. I have to work tonite which will be a distraction. Dawn If you check this blog happy thanksgiving...I miss you....Jen/Hailey
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:40 AM
Friday, November 17, 2006
Had a bitch of a session today .........N is going away for the weekend...DR.R is covering..I don't even wanna see him. So I am shit outta luck. Oh well things hopefully will be quiet..LOL things are never quiet. I am so tired today and my anxiety is so high. Anxiety from a new part that is only three years old. She talked to M today. So she is not settled down right now. Charlotte (the depressed one ) is with her.
Tomarrow I work from 8 am to 1:30...I am excited...I love the people I work with they are great. this next week the kids are home all week so between therapy work and thanksgiving it is going to be crazy..We are going to see Happy Feet on tuesday......Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 5:39 PM
craziness
Thursday, November 16, 2006
yesterday and today have been very crazy. I had art t in the morning than lunch with mom and grandmom. then yoga n relaxation. Then at 2 I went to work and worked util 8:30. By the time I went home I was so tired. Then today C had school and I had about 1000 errands to run.
I just got in they called me to work I said no. Not that the money wouldn't be nice but I nedd to spend some time with the kids. I work sat. morning next. It's very hard for some insiders to work but we are slowly getting all the kinks worked out. we love what we are doing. Thw Christmas party is the 1st of december. That should be fun. I have art t tomarrow too but charlotte is so angry, not sure if she will let us go.....well gonna lay down till kids come home and i'll be up to my ears in homework...."sigh" Hannah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:06 PM
therapy
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Therapy tonite was very productive we saw N. She always gives us shit...but in a nice way. I am really tired from it tho it was very intense. I see M tomarrow morning..ugh....well at least it was not the same day. Last week I could not even see N after seeing M because I was so tired an anxious.
C is loving preschool and is getting a handle on this potty training thing.. She still has her tube and will for a while..It's time for me to change it soon..grrrrrrrrrr. It's hard to do. But I did it last timewith a little help from a friend. oh well....E will help me. have a big day tomarrow have M at 10am then yoga relaxation at 1-2:30..Then I work from 3-8:30. I love my job but a few parts are having problems especially Paige...but we r trying to help her......Jen
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:47 PM
monday morning ramblings
Monday, November 13, 2006
MOnday Morning......the weekend was good....E took me to a flyers game we were in a luxery suite..it was awesome had a waitress the whole time we were watching the game. there was unlimited food and drinks. and the stromboli was to die for. It was nice. He got these tickets from the insurace co.....Kinda ironic....same insurance co. I fight with for benifits..LOL. Yesterday was a real lazy day for me. I never got outta my jammies til 7 pm till i took a bath a got into new jammies.....hope this is a better therapy week. N on tuesday M on wednesday Dr. R on Thursday And M again on friday
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:45 AM
Ready to work?
Friday, November 10, 2006
Well they called me to work tomarrow......so no sleeping. I am excitedbut a little scared you have to punch in and everything like that. But it should be good I am gonna go to bed early. last night I went to bed after midnight. And the night before iI had an appointment with DR. R at 9 pm. so needless to say I got to bed late.
Had t with N and I could not talk at all. it was I don't know or maybe everytime she asked a question.???????? DO not talk rule is in affect right now . I don't understand why? But that will come out soon. I guess we will journal a little bit and find out whats going on. Have a feeling some of it has to do with DR.R and M. Well bye for now..........Hannah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:24 PM
Leah has something to say
Have t this afternoon with N.....because M is away at a conference. do not feel like going. But I have to since I canceled once this week. E is taking me on a surprise date tomarrow. I hate suprises but he is excited. What a sweetheart. He decided we needed some time alone. I guess I agree with him. I just wish I knew where we were going. I am so anxious cuz I don't know.
This is my last saturday to sleep in I start working monday and my hours are Monday wednesday and saturday mornings. I am exciteda and a little scared to start but I know what I am doing so It is not like I have never done this work before. It will give us some extra money and let me at least talk to adults for a few hours. Time to go play with C.............Leah
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:41 AM
Hailey...ramblings
Thursday, November 09, 2006
ok now I have my shrink telling me to abandon my blog and start another one. I don't want to, but he thinks it would be better for me in the long run. I refuse to run from anything or anyone. This is a hard decision to make. Maybe Ill start another one and just leave this one. I don't know I am so confused about so much right now. They Dr.R, N and M know how hurt I am so I think they are just trying to help me and the rest of the system.
we have a new part who is young hanging out right now we have not told anyone yet so I better do it. I think thats part of the reason our anxiety is so high. well we will find out..See N tomarrow since M will be away at a conference. And I did not see N on Tuesday was too anxious to go after seeing M. N actually said I made a good decision. Took a prn and calmed down but had to take another one three hours later.
Hailey
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:25 PM
Back.......by Raven
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
We as team decided we are not going to let some petty shit close our blog. It was very reactionary yesterday. But today I see things more clearly and some bitch ain't gonna control me anymore. Raven
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:08 PM
New blog
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
after three years of having the same blog it is time to change....I am sick of people that are rude and liars looking at my life so today will be my last blog post on this blog. I will start a new one tomarrow. And only allow who I want to see what is going on...I loved this blog and it really has helped my insiders get to know each other and to let off a lot of steam.....SO I say good bye for now and hope maybe if you like reading my blog you will stumble on it again....Jen ,Raven and Hailey
life is okay therapy is going ok I have a trust issue with my art t but that is slowly getting resolved... don't wanna say much more.....Jen
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:50 AM
yeah..me
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I got a JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 15 hours a week working with kiddos....I am so happy
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:03 PM
made it thru the day
Well we made it thru another Halloween with a lot of support from everyone especially my loving husband E. He has been so great thru all this. And trying to understand what the fuck is going on when I don't even understand. This is the first Halloween we made it thru without sh. It is amazing to me but people can change and insiders can stand up to things they never thought they could. I do however have lots o flashbacks and body memories. They suck. But in reality we know that it is over it is 2006. Life is ok !!!!!!!
My yoga class on Wednesdays has been so helpful and relaxing. I have made so many new friends . People who have problems but not the kind I have but people I can sympathize with.
I am applying for a job at the Y just a few hours a few days a week. I am excited..but tired so I am a little scared. but it will be good for me to go out.
This is the first day in a while I can breath except for a few minor problems I am ok. Drop it is working . still hurts but life goes on...and I am a better person for it.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:03 AM
