to trust or not to trust
Sunday, August 29, 2004
How many of you trust others? not me I trust no one...because they let you down..... we have learned it is better to rely on yourself. Life would be so much easier if others were not involved. To trust someone takes me to a place I would rather not be. It takes me to a place of valnurability. A place that I would rather not be. If you are vulnerable then there is a risk of getting hurt... I've been there done that.....Hurting is a main part of life I guess. That sux!!!!!! I wish for so many of us trusting would be easier. I thought it might get easier over time but it has not. the likely hood of me ever trusting anyone is slim to none.... The one person I really started to trust has totally let us down..I understabd why she had to do what she had to do but It still makes it hard to trust... I wish there was a way to change the way I feel but i can not...So again I am alone dealing with things that no one should have to deal with alone.!!!!!!! One day i hope that will change and I will be able to trust someone enough with out feeling like I am a burden.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 4:27 PM
nonlinear
Saturday, August 28, 2004
looking up the word nonlinear came up with startling results...ok I am listening
These are things I found:
chaotic behaviour Britannica Concise
Cite this Article
Behaviour in a complex system that appears irregular or unpredictable but is actually determinate.
mathematical programming Britannica Concise
Cite this Article
Application of mathematical and computer programming techniques to the construction of deterministic models, principally for business and economics.
For models that only require linear algebraic equations, the techniques are called linear programming; for models that require more complex equations, it is called nonlinear programming. In either case, models frequently involve hundreds or thousands of equations. The discipline emerged during World War II to solve large-scale military logistics problems. Mathematical programming is also used in planning civilian production and transportation schedules and in calculating economic growth.
Definition
Not in a straight line.
Mathematics a. Occurring as a result of an operation that is not linear. b. Containing a variable with an exponent other than one. Used of an equation.
a. Of or relating to a system of equations whose effects are not proportional to their causes. Such a set of equations can be chaotic. b. Of or relating to a device whose behavior is described by a set of nonlinear equations and whose output is not proportional to its input. c. Of or relating to the output of such a device.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:41 PM
comments comments and more comments
Saturday and I am still here.....yeah.......comments comments and more comments ...lots of traffic at this site and the comment I most recently recieved was very funny... I was ranting on my body hurting a few posts back. this post And a dumb ass decieded that maybe I am a hypochondriac?
heheheheheeehee. Actually the definition of a hypochondriac is:
morbid concern about one's health especially when accompanied by delusions of physical disease. I have no morbid concern!!!!!however hypochondrasis appears in the DSM IV as a somataform disorder. Which In reality I could have because of Trauma experienced...
So before u make comments maybe you need to understand what the word really means....... MR DUMBASS COMMENT MAKER GET A DICTIONARY............................
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:06 PM
Butterfly effect
Friday, August 27, 2004
The "Butterfly Effect", or more technically the "sensitive dependence on initial conditions", is the essence of chaos.
This brings to mind my life chaos.....always chaos.
nonlinear systems are central to chaos theory and often exhibit fantastically complex and
chaotic behavior.
The Lorenz attractor is an example of a strange attractor. Strange attractors are unique from other phase space attractors in that one does not know exactly where on the attractor the system will be. Two points on the attractor that are near each other at one time will be arbitrarily far apart at later times. The only restriction is that the state of system remain on the attractor. Strange attractors are also unique in that they never close on themselves - the motion of the system never repeats (non-periodic). The motion we are describing on these strange attractors is what we mean by chaotic behavior.
The Butterfly Effect" has become synonymous with chaos theory. Chaos theory postulates that small changes at the micro level can lead to much more significant consequences at the macro level.
Psychology -- Thought patterns and consciousness altered by small changes in brain chemistry can produce extraordinary human behavior. Seemingly trivial impulses inside the cerebellum may inspire the creation of great works of art by some individuals -- and terrible acts of crime by others. Mental delusion motivated one man to paint several masterpieces (Van Gogh) and another to commit murder (Son of Sam). In fact, the human brain may be the most volatile laboratory of chaos theory set in constant motion. (Poker paper)
Not sure why I posted this info but it is begining to make sense. I am not sure or why but it is... I find it very intresting that a butterfly on an island can change the weather, just by flapping its wings. So in the case of DID a small change in an alters behavior can cause chaos inside? This is the question I am postulating? Especially is the who system was designed to be non- linear so that chaos could be spread easily all the time. Set in constant motion all the time can keep the person suffering with DID in constant chaos ....More later when It makes more sense
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:21 PM
Therapy therapy therapy
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Well therapy was fine yesterday..yeah right..it sucked...too much to think about..not sure why I even bother except I do want to feel better. There is a strong urge to leave though. There are many parts that don't want to be in therapy. Which causes lots of problems for me. Sometimes I feel like I live in the twighlight zone... trying to get the people who live inside my head to calm down and cooperate but that is not happening...See don't I sound like a person with a few screws loose. But it is crazy making..life in general is a crazy. But unfortuanatly it is real, my reality. So how to get everyone cooperating. I guess if I could figure this out I would not need therapy. So we are back to the original ? to stay in therapy? hmmmmmmmmmm I guess only time will tell. I have great therapist's but I am the problem like always. I can not figure out what to do....FAILURE....The thing they don't understand is that I use the skills all the time..they just don't see it because there is a lot of craziness going on too.
So off to figure out this dilema how am I going to get everyone to cooperate.reality is I want to be in therapy but there is a lot of resistence..........guess thats y I have been labeled treatment resistent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FAILURE AGAIN.....we will find a way we always do.I need to find out. My goal for this week is to come up with a plan of action.......
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:22 AM
whassssup YO? hahahahahahah
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Got a comment about my music...can someone tell what the fuck is wrong with my music....ok now that I vented I will tell you about the day 5 kids to the doctors for a five year old check up...Damn that was fun...kinda like pulling teeth but worse. now the kids seem to be running wild playing horsey. yeeee haaaawwwwwww!!!!Yesterday we played hide-n-seek I hide but they found me. It was really funny I hid behind the door in the laundry room they could not find me...hahahahahahahaahha.......but I had to come out before they all totally freaked out.we played like five rounds and then I stopped I was tired of finding my 4 year old under the table EVERYTIME.....poor kid thought it was a great hiding spot...ok off to make lunch and vacuum the house before the fakeful therapy session at 3:30 more on that later...If I make it back from the abyss...........................Char!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:28 AM
somataform disorders
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
I swear I am suffering from some fucked up psychological brain fart... Or as some proffesionals would call it a somataform disorder. Damn my whole body hurts. I have pain in my abdomen and in my back and there is not a thing wong with me. Except a bit of insanity. But then again thats ok... I can take drugs for that. Back to this fake pain. My therapist says maybe they are body memories... well someone needs to tell my fucking body to forget cuz it hurts. I passed out the other day. Fell on the floor..BANG!!!!!!!!!! dang did I feel terrible...Dizzy, spinning and such. If I did not think I was totally crazy before I do now.
Speaking of therapy.I don't think I am going It is so crazy making. It takes the whole week to get my self together again get all setteled back into denial......Then the fuckin shit starts all over again. Would you go back? I do not think so. Yet sometimes things fall apart then we have to crawl back on our hands and knees. Because we don't have the skills to successfully manage all the crap that happens after a therapy hour. CHAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:49 PM
Things I've learned by Penny
times have changes
its time to move on:
relationships change
people change
time changes
stories change
but one thing always stays the same
you can't trust anyone:
they let you down
they tell your secrets
they walk away
they pretend to care
humans are so predictable:
they eat, drink and shit
they become involved with one another
they hurt one another
they die.......
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:27 AM
what is real...The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
Monday, August 23, 2004
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
No-one understands us we will for ever be unreal. Life is lived in a fog a fantasy it NEVER feels real. Just like the velveteen rabbit we long to be real. US
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:49 PM
morning rants......i survived a night from hell
It's morning and I survived something I thought Was not going to happen..I felt terrible last night . I couldn't sleep!!! My eyes hurt this morning from crying, my life seems to be in emotional shambles. There is way to much activity going on. However I did find a very cool painting this morning on the dining room table. These things happen all the time. I must have been really sleepy when I did that painting cuz i just don't remembere doing it.
Rescued By DANA
I walked through the gate to the cemetary
looking for the stone with my name
the dewy grass under my feet
felt like a carpet welcoming me home
I searched and searched but couldn't find it
I knew it was there somewhere
frenzied I ran from headstone to headstone
growing weaker with each step I took
They told me it was here
could they have lied?
Am i not going to die today like they said?
my mind was shattered the pieces lay on the ground
I lay down in the grass awaiting destiny
my soul burning with the agony of lemment
my body aching with terror and fear
waiting and hoping to be rescued
I wait and I wait and I wait
seeminly for hours
only to feel the earthworms crawl on my body
and the cold dirt on my hands
I waited to be rescued but nobody came
I lay on the dew covered grass and fell asleep
living the nightmare all over again by myself
Maybe someday I won't be alone?
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:01 AM
FEELINGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Wanting To Die by Anne Sexton
Since you ask,
most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the most unnameable lust returns.
Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention
the furniture you have placed under the sun.
But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
Twice I have so simply declared myself
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.
In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.
I did not think of my body at needle point.
Even the cornea and the leftover urine were gone.
Suicides have already betrayed the body.
Still-born, they don't always die,
but dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile.
To thrust all that life under your tongue! --
that, all by itself, becomes a passion.
Death's a sad bone; bruised, you'd say,
and yet she waits for me, year and year,
to so delicately undo an old would,
to empty my breath from its bad prison.
Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,
raging at the fruit, a pumped-up moon,
leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,
leaving the page of a book carelessly open,
something unsaid, the phone off the hook
and the love, whatever it was, an infection
This is how we all feel at the moment, Anne Sexton's words ring true for all of us...Clarissa
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:53 AM
Poetry by Anne Sexton
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Buying The Whore
You are the roast beef I have purchased
and I stuff you with my very own onion.
You are a boat I have rented by the hour
and I steer you with my rage until you run aground.
You are a glass that I have paid to shatter
and I swallow the pieces down with my spit.
You are the grate I warm my trembling hands on,
searing the flesh until it's nice and juicy.
You stink like my Mama under your bra
and I vomit into your hand like a jackpot
its cold hard quarters.
Noon Walk on the Asylum Lawn
The summer sun ray
shifts through a suspicious tree.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow
It sucks the air
and looks around for me.
The grass speaks.
I hear green chanting all day.
I will fear no evil, fear no evil
The blades extend
and reach my way.
The sky breaks.
It sags and breathes upon my face.
In the presence of mine enemies, mine enemies
The world is full of enemies.
There is no safe place.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:48 AM
FINALLY SOMETHING MAKES SENSE
Thursday, August 19, 2004
PRINCIPALS OF SOMATIC TRAUMA BY BABETTE ROTHCHILD
The foundation principles of Somatic Trauma Therapy are:
*First and foremost: Safety for the client within and outside the therapy. Safety what safety
*Good contact between therapist and client is prerequisite to addressing traumatic memories or applying any techniques - even if that takes months or years. Not even going there to make a comment about this one
*Client and therapist must be confident in applying the "brake" before they use the accelerator.
*Identify and build on the client's internal and external resources. APPLY THE FUCKIN BRAKES NOW
*Regard defenses as resources: Never "get rid" of coping strategies/defenses; instead, create more choices. I HAVE NO CHOICES
*View the trauma system as a "pressure cooker." Always work to reduce, never to increase, the pressure. I M READY TO BLOW
*The therapy must be adapted to the client, rather than the client having to adapt to the therapy. This requires that the therapist be familiar with several theory and treatment models. WHATEVER
*A broad knowledge of theory - both psychology and physiology of trauma and PTSD - reduces errors and allows the therapist to create techniques tailored to a particular client's needs. OK THEY BOTH HAVE THIS!!!! THEY WIN ONE
*Never expect one intervention to have the same result with two people. The client must ALWAYS be regarded with his/her individual differences, never judged for non-compliance or an intervention "not working." HELLO
*The therapist must be prepared, at times or even for a whole course of therapy, to lay aside any and all techniques and just "be" together with the client. OH PLEAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:52 PM
Friday, August 13, 2004
wtf is wrong with me I have no clue its that damn contract who does she think she is messin with Summer
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:39 PM
Friday the 13th
Hurricane Charlie...... The Olymipics....which we celebrated here by eating foods from around the word...the kids picked what they wanted and helped prepare dinner it turned out we had...pizza.....chicken chow mein with white rice....nachos and cheese and of course french fries!!!! Which we were informed by my nine year old are from Belgium. For dessert we will be having good old popsicles...... the kids made flags earlier today and are awaiting the opening ceremony..I bet they will be asleep 10 minutes into it....ok back to my Friday the 13th..a day we hate....totally...sometimes I think it is just superstition. Oh No a Black Cat However I am glad I do not live in Florida right now.
Superstitions
FRIDAY THE 13TH - how is fear of the number thirteen demonstarted?
More than 80 percent of high-rises lack a 13th floor.
Many airports skip the 13th gate.
Airplanes have no 13th aisle.
Hospitals and hotels regularly have no room number 13.
Italians omit the number 13 from their national lottery.
On streets in Florence, Italy, the house between number 12 and 14 is addressed as 12 and a half.
Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue
In France, socialites known as the quatorziens (fourteeners) once made themselves available as 14th guests to keep a dinner party from an unlucky fate.
Many triskaidekaphobes, as those who fear the unlucky integer are known, point to the ill-fated mission to the moon, Apollo 13.
If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck . Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names. ......ok my name has thirteen letters..guess I have the devils curse...that must be my problem
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 6:44 PM
mornings r 4 the birds
Thursday, August 12, 2004
mornings are for the birds.....not humans..yesterday was so nice hubby stayed home and I slept till noon then cleaned .........so a dumb ass could spend all of ten minutes inspecting my house to tell us how much it is worth..well at least it is clean ...better yet I got to sleep alll morning...but this morning I am TIRED...I guess maybe cuz I did not sleep at all....... it was 1 am and I am up eating oreo double stuff and milk watching Conan O' Brien...by the way he is an idiot some times. so last nite at cheerleading I got to dance with the girls doing little sally walker. It was so funny I am such a kid when it comes to things like that of course my daughter stops in front of me so I have to dance with her...how ever that was really cool.....she thinks I am cool...2 points for MOM
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 7:57 AM
no therapy
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
canceled therapy for this week don't know y dont know who but just think it will be better..feel like I have cement mouth....want to go but cant wont do any good any way.....think it might make things worse...or maybe they want me to think that who knows...... I feel like I am going insane..Guess the title of this chapter is going to be called Insanity...How many different ways to go insane? Lets just see if we can find out if anyone wants to fess up to y we r not going?
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 4:11 PM
morning morning morning morningsssssss
Head pounding......sitting here in my pj's just got breakfast for the kids...things r swirling in my head. Getting ready to clean the kids rooms. What a job thats going to be. Oh well Hopefully we will be able to go to the pool today. Grocery shopping again, I feel like I spend my life at the grocery store. Anything to keep myself busy. Losing time lots of time. Not sure where it goes.
It seems to just dissapear..POOF............gone. Yes we know time stands still we take over. Indigo, Clarissa or any of the rest of us. Stella takes over when needed.....of course which is during the day. swirling lights flashing...one day we will write a book.
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:38 AM
Monday, August 09, 2004
we cause so much trouble INDIGO
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:21 PM
Me at this very moment...DANA
a picture by Robin Ward...this is exactly how I feel .........HELP It is being wrapped tighter around my neck the tighter it is wrapped the more I can not breath...the memories swirl in my head and I can not get them to leave..I pull harder but it is no use the harder I pull the tighter it gets...............
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 2:18 PM
DEFINITION OF NEED
Friday, August 06, 2004
NEED
A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted 2. Something required or wanted; a requisite . 3. Necessity; obligation 4. A condition of poverty or misfortun
DO WE HAVE ANY NEEDS?
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:31 AM
weekend update with clarissa
The begining of the end......the countdown begins.....the family will be in for GRANDFATHERS 90th birthday....dinner ..a party....alcohol thank God for the alcohol that will be the only saving grace...until my father walks up to me and says after one beer...don't u think you have had enough...orJennifer( the one name I hate being called) you don't drink you are a good girl...hehehehehehehe .......Good girl my ass...then he will watch to see how much I drink. Mean while my brother and sister can drink what ever they want..They dont care...Why the fuck does he care if I drink? Oh well, gonna be drinking.....yahooooooooooooooooooooo........back to thefamily just found out my one uncle is not coming he has hemroids...what a fucking laugh his father is gonna be 90..he needs to get over it..He is still mad they moved away from Florida....Only one cousin is comming...because everyone else is busy I am so glad we are such a freakin close family...They all want a piece of the pie when they die but they don't care to visit now...They get all mad that my grandmother spends her money ...HELLO..it is her MONEY she did not make it for you...But I guess with my aunt when U are a kept women the only thing that gives you hope is to think that you will someday have money of your own....even if you have to wait for your parents to DIE.....THIS WEEKEND IS GONNA SUX
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 8:45 AM
DONT FUCK WITH RAVEN
Thursday, August 05, 2004
omg..therapy sux I hate them so much they can all kiss my butt.....I am gonna get them a nice happy bunny sticker for their birthday...no even better I think ill get them the mints ..she thinks she fuckin knows it all...hahahahah is she so mistaken.......I already told her not to fuck with me cuz I will screw everything up.......hehehehehehe......hey baby....how is your chest????????? at least I have one person who likes me....wink wink...........And if she thinks she can assemble others to be in contrl over us (LMFAO)....WE WILL ALWAYS BE IN CONTROL.....REMEMBER ONE WORD REVOLVING DOORS...CHAOS..............RAVEN OMG I have to change this music it sux.......................Love you my love slave........you know who u are
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:28 PM
Pieces of me Ashlee Simpson
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me
Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath,
I hope it lasts
[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
When youre happy, it's a mission
And you wont stop 'til I'm there
Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
Well, I hit that bottomCrash, you're all I have
[Chorus:]Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
How do you know everything I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...I hope it never goes away... yeah
On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...So I can breathe
[Chorus:]Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 12:27 PM
TRUST NO ONE
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
DO NOT TRUST ANYONE>>>>>>>>>I THINK PEOPLE JUST FUCK WITH YOU THEY SAY THEY WILL BE THERE AND THEY ARE NOT>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ZARA
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 10:50 PM
LOVE SUX
I will never love again. The people who u r supposed to believe in the most let u down. I will forever have a broken heart it will never mend. I will never be the same again!!!!!! LOVE SUX ....CHAR I know you think that I shouldn't still love youOr tell you that
But if I didn't say itWell, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that? I promise
I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be I
know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of It's over
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet Which I'm sure we will
All I was then Will be there still
I'll let it pass And hold my tongue
And you will think That I've moved on
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will beI will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be......DIDO WHITE FLAG
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:49 PM
NOISE
Do u hear what I hear? probably not.......The amount of noise in my house is unbelievable.. The reality of having 5 kids!!! NOISE NOISE AND MORE NOISE......however that does not even compare with the amount of noise in my head......okay u are probably thinking right now she is crazy..noise in her head..or she is shictzo....I thought both of those things too but nope its neither.....Just differant parts of me communicating....or should I say yelling and making my life miserable.......Its like having a bunch of kids in my head...ANd they all want differnt things..There is a name for this I call it craziness but my therapist's call it DID......for more info you can go to the international society for the study of dissociation www.issd.org. This was a great starting point for me. However now I feel crazier than ever. I am overwhelmed and want it to go back to the way it was but that will never happen...So I guess I move forward but everytime I try its like 20 steps backwards. Part of it is I have a lot going on they tell me just taking care of 5 kids is a lot...I guess I don't even know what a lot is...Not to mention a child who is sick and needs medical assistance........(that causes triggering all the time). Craziness has always been part of my life so I function well but this is a bit much. When Chaos is all you know it is very easy to fucntion in chaos its when things quiet down that it becomes frightning... However chaos on the inside is all there ever is because that is what is comfortable even when it is dangerous even when it causes us not to feel. So chaos becomes overwhelming for me but is comforting for others NOW we have a dilema.....HELP anyone have any ideas??????????????
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 3:00 PM
Part of the Raven By Poe
Sunday, August 01, 2004
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting-
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 11:10 PM
Destiny
A large mocha latte from Wawa and a yummy donut something to eat before the chaos is over inside. A trip to Target to relax a bit before the never ending fulfillement of our destiny. Whatever that may be...Lmao..We all know what that is except maybe Jen and a few naive therapists. Get rid of the belief they say......hehehehehehe Its not just a belief its a fulfillement of a code that was written a long time ago. To be able to get by it would be a miracle......No one crosses GREEN........LMAO .................Eric like GREEN............Raven likes Eric............Destiny
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 9:39 PM
A different day
The sun rose in the morning
A new day has begun
However this day is different
Something is missing
A feeling A presence a sent is gone
A huge emptiness is felt by all
A void that can not be filled
A destiny that has to be fulfilled
Emotions swirl and dance
Determine not to be felt
one took a place of another
who took a place of another
who switched altogher
this continues until reality is
disconnected from the experience.
The smells don't match the scents,
The voices don't match the owners
The pictures don't match the paintings.
Total disillusion, loss will never be felt
The sun will set tonight
What started out as different will end up
An ordinary day of deadness and chaos
scribbled Gatekeepers4@ 1:06 PM
